A JOURNEY TO HEALING THE RELATIONSHIP: A CASE EXAMPLE
In this book, we will follow a couple through a journey from a budding marriage to the near demise of their marriage due to infidelity. In this story, you will undoubtedly see near reflections of you and your partner in either individual, as this couple is loosely based on a compilation of stories I have encountered in my work as a marriage therapist. The purpose of this fictitious couple is to serve as an example of stages a couple may transition through and, most importantly, as hope for the possible tools you may use to also find relief and eventual resolve from the most pressing effects on your relationship of the aftermath of an affair. This couple should only be of service to you as you contemplate how components of the book and the couple’s story will apply to you; this book is not meant to specifically diagnose and/or treat your specific circumstances. It is instead my fervent desire that this book will shine a light on the possibilities that exist in your pursuit to recover and heal your marriage.
Rebecca and Kevin
Rebecca and Kevin had been married for eight years. They had four children, all of whom were from previous relationships. Rebecca had been single for several years before meeting Kevin.
She was a single parent to two children and had never been married. Raising two children as a single parent came with its own challenges; however, she was accustomed to doing things on her own. She was proud of the family life she was creating and was not looking for a new relationship. Instead, she was interested in building her career, raising her children, and building a life she could be proud of. Then someone entered her life. After several years as a single mom, she met someone at a work engagement. His name was Kevin. He was a recently divorced father of two. He was in the same industry as Rebecca, and they had mutual friendships. The connection was immediate, and after a brief period of casual dating, they soon agreed to a committed relationship. Kevin was looking for a wife, as he enjoyed being married. Though his first marriage had ended in divorce, he looked forward to remarrying.
Eventually, Rebecca and Kevin became engaged, even though Rebecca had not been looking for marriage. She knew that if she were ever to find someone she wanted to marry, that it would be for the rest of her life. She knew that in marrying someone there would be challenges, but she was determined that any future relationship would be different from the conflict-riddled relationships she had been accustomed to seeing during her childhood. Her marriage would be based on honesty, communication, and fidelity. She believed she had found that in Kevin. In fact, it seemed easy with him, even though she had not had a lot of experience in long-term romantic love. Her previous relationship, which had led to having her two children, had spanned a couple of years, though it had been intermittent. She told herself that her new relationship was constant, stable, and secure. She thought her connection with Kevin was the recipe for a long, happy relationship.
Kevin, on the other hand, knew relationships required work. It had been hard for him to heal from the previous failed marriage. He had loved his exwife but had often found it hard to resolve conflicts within their relationship. Kevin had often felt misunderstood and isolated within the relationship. His wife at the time had had her own concerns as well. As hard as they had tried to resolve conflict, it had always ended with more misunderstanding, miscommunication, and increasing feelings of loneliness. Eventually, the relationship ended in divorce, and Kevin knew that if he ever remarried, it would be with someone who understood him. It would be with someone who could communicate with him. Instead of isolation, he would have a partner who could stand by his side. It seemed to Kevin that he had found all of those things in Rebecca. The only thing left to do was to make it official by proposing and eventually marrying.
Life as a married couple initially was fun and exciting. The children—all four from previous relationships—had begun to adjust to living in a blended family. All the things Kevin and Rebecca had hoped for in a relationship were theirs for the taking. Happy and satisfied with how things were moving along, both enjoyed all the benefits of having a partner by their side. Communication about the relationship happened frequently early on. The space for intimacy happened naturally. There was no need for date night, because the romance and passion were effortless. Family time was happening regularly. It was a by-product of all the busyness that originated from the marriage and the couple’s ease at enjoying time with each other and as a family. Life with each other was perfect. Life with each other was automatic. It wasn’t hard; it also wasn’t easy, but the formula seemed simple: keep things as they are, and they will always be that way.
Kevin and Rebecca came to see me when they questioned whether their marriage could survive its latest challenge. They were at a point in the relationship where they were determining whether they should continue in the marriage. They had been married for eight years by that point, and during the seventh year, Rebecca cheated on Kevin. Though hurt, Kevin decided that he was going to work on forgiving Rebecca and that the two would work on their marriage. Rebecca felt tremendous guilt for having caused Kevin pain and was anxious to repair the relationship. Both were concerned about what impact their relationship distress would have on the children and wanted to begin counseling as soon as possible.
During their first session, Rebecca began sharing what brought them both to counseling. She shared as if she were reciting a confession. As if a dam were being released, a burst of emotion poured from Rebecca as she explained with explicit personal accountability how she was the cause of their marriage being on the brink of divorce. She shared how much she loved her partner and that she was still confused about how she had allowed what started off as friendly dialogue with a coworker to lead to moments of betrayal in her marriage; she felt as though she had betrayed herself.
During the session, Kevin listened. He listened and motioned toward his partner during the parts of the story when she became emotional. He listened, although he vacillated at times. It was as if he was hearing an orchestra wading into the low notes even as he anticipated the crescendo. Kevin went between moments of physically comforting his partner and periods of sharp accusations concerning his partner’s motives for infidelity. He too was confused by the internal conflict of loving his wife, wanting to care for her in distress, and his acute feelings of anger and sadness when reminded of what felt like another impending failure in marriage. Almost indistinguishable was this feeling of failure, both within the marriage and within himself.
Kevin and Rebecca recounted their relationship history during the intake. I had asked each of them when they had first determined there were problems within the marriage. Though they had initiated the session for Rebecca’s infidelity, it was clear that this issue was just one example of the challenges that had begun long before the cheating. Much of what they described during the session included periods of distress within the marriage. Rifts in the marriage were expressed as points in a timeline where each partner lent a detail to explain their perspective of the range of conflicts more fully. Though the stories were from a shared history, both reported hearing parts of the story they had never heard before. I asked them what daily rituals they had implemented to reconcile problems within the marriage. And though they each could share examples of how they had discussed problems, there was no clear pathway they used to journey back to reconciliation. Since there was no clear plan and no rituals for healing, resolving, or bonding, challenges were addressed in the moment or many times not at all. Every day brought its own unique challenges. There was no need to address every conflict or moment of distress; the important things required attention, but the small conflicts were to be expected.
Over time, however, the small things weren’t so small, such as the moments when Rebecca wanted to share her annoyance about the lights being turned on while she was still asleep and her partner was waking up for work. It wasn’t that she did not understand her partner’s need for light in the early dawn of the day as he prepared for work. The issue was how insensitive it seemed in the way he woke up and jostled about, making noise and turning on every switch to form a festival of lights that began in the bedroom. This was a simple thing, she told herself. After all, aren’t annoyances to be expected? she would often ask herself. Though she had made her concerns known about the lights being turned on when she was resting in preparation for her workday, there was no need to revisit the issue. She told herself that marriage was about compromise and sometimes overlooking things. If her husband was insensitive in this area, then surely he made up for it tenfold in other ways.
Kevin held a very similar perspective. He had noticed his wife tended to change the subject when a conversation developed into an argument. It wasn’t that the arguments ever escalated to yelling, screaming, name-calling, or the like; it was how the topic of conversation would switch abruptly to a new topic of discussion. Kevin eventually mentioned to Rebecca that doing so was rude and inhibited him from sharing his true thoughts. It didn’t happen all the time, but when it did, it reminded Kevin of how selfish it seemed when his partner would cease to speak about an issue when the conversation did not go her way. When these moments occurred, Kevin was reminded of his previous marriage, where feelings of disconnection and being alone had been all too familiar. Rebecca did modify her actions to some degree, but Kevin still questioned whether they could discuss an issue without Rebecca shutting down. Did she truly hear him? And when that question came up inside of Kevin, the answer usually came as a resounding “no.” After a while, it became more of an issue to address the issue than to pretend it wasn’t even an issue at all.
Until eventually every issue was an issue. There were no small challenges. Everything seemed big. Conflicts felt overwhelming even before a word was said. So many times, nothing was said. Sure, sometimes things would rise to the surface. Like a pressure cooker, there were moments between the couple where they would argue or state concerns to each other. However, the feelings, the thoughts, and the ways in which they sought to protect themselves from what had become cyclical disappointment were rarely—if ever—addressed. Instead of addressing the pain of disappointment, they resigned themselves to acceptance. This was the way things would be. While in this space, there was a sense of helplessness. Oddly enough, there was also a perceived level of safety in no longer hoping for the hopeless and risking feelings of disappointment again. This was the marriage every day.
Every Day, I Do
Marriage is every day. The assumption is that after the vows, a demonstration of the relationship in its most complete form begins. Yes, there may be challenges that arise through the span of the relationship. However, everything that is needed is in the union—at least this is how it is often seen.
We often hear ubiquitous phrases for how we ought to approach marriage. Sometimes there are shreds of truth in these commonly shared quotes. Take, for instance, the phrase marriage is work. What does it mean? That marriage is a job? Marriage requires effort? If marriage requires work, what type of work? If marriage were a job, how often would you show up to work? What are the position requirements? What are the hours? What is the payment exchange, and are there any benefits? What do performance evaluations look like, and how often would evaluations be conducted? If marriage is work, how frequently are we attending to the duties and obligations that we hold in position? Ask yourself, if my marriage was a job, would my daily tasks of married life be different? Would my tasks today reflect that of one performing the duties of a healthy marriage?
The importance of asking yourself these questions determine whether your efforts in marriage, the commitment to marriage, and the interventions are just as important as the application to marriage.
Marriage is like a job: it requires work. An employer anticipates the level of training and expertise that you bring in filling the position. The same will be true in what knowledge, skills, and regular application of those elements you bring in fulfilling the duties of your role as a partner, the duties to which you agreed on your wedding day when you spoke your vows. Therefore, marriage is a daily application of your vows. Your personal selection of strategies and philosophies of relationships are the ways in which you regularly implement your vows.
For instance, imagine having captured your dream job. Maybe you are already working in your dream job. Think back to the excitement you had anticipating your first day of work and all that you had envisioned. Having this dream position offers the possibility to change the trajectory of your future and help accomplish the life goals you’ve set for yourself. Performing the tasks each day at work becomes a noble gesture to get closer to your plans.
Now imagine the day you knew your partner was the one for you. Think back to the visions you had for your future. The opportunity for life together seemed limitless. The excitement of beginning a new life together was matched only by the day you actually shared your vows. This was the day you confirmed the position you hold for one another. The promise of forever had no expiration. This was the role of a lifetime.
Both examples highlight the aspirations of agreement in fidelity to a common goal. The difference is that in the marriage scenario, rarely do we take our wedding vows to explicitly mean an agreement to perform daily duties that regularly reflect the promises, vows, and goals that we also endeavor toward in marriage. Nonetheless, much like a job, when we accepted the offer to regularly deliver services in exchange for all the perks that came with having the job, we find ourselves also requiring the same daily attendance and regularity in providing deliverables within the marriage.
In essence, the words I do, those words recorded during the wedding day, signified one’s formal job acceptance or—better said—your formal acceptance of the position of husband or wife in order to strategically carry out daily assignments in managing the overall tasks for the marriage entity.
If only Rebecca and Kevin had known that many times small issues were seeds for larger issues left unmanaged. Though seemingly insignificant, now Kevin’s propensity for waking her up in the morning was just another example of his insensitivity to her needs. Now so deeply rooted are the small issues that they are easily overlooked. They cause no initial concern that leads either spouse to change the ways in which the rest of the relationship is tended to. In fact, you may not fully even be cognizant of the presence of these smaller issues.
Perhaps you have identified the seeds of these new types of issues in the field of your marriage and are able to see that some conflicts or feelings of discomfort occasionally sprout from the small seedlings. However, you calculate that it is manageable and not likely to ruin the rest of the cultivation. Gradually things change, but the change is not enough in the beginning to activate a full response to the slow invasion of the weeds that crop up. Instead, it is eventual, steady, and stealthy. Because of the nature by which the undesired small issues arise, you become accustomed to the new growth. You begin to make room for the new yield. After a while, the beginnings suddenly become full-grown. What you and your partner were planting has now been infiltrated by so many other issues that it can feel overwhelming—you don’t know where to begin the process of addressing what stays and what goes. You find yourselves in full response to what now feels like an impending demise of all that you worked and hoped for, and depending on your response to an emotional threat, you may take on myriads of coping mechanisms.
For instance, in response to what feels like a multitude of issues in your relationship—or the insurmountable feeling of being unable to overcome these issues—you may attempt to address your partner in communication or you may seek counsel outside of your marriage with a local church, friends, or family. In this space of worry, you look for anything that might help your relationship because you have a sense of urgency.
Maybe you are more the type to turn inward to address the growing challenges in your marriage. On the outside, you may seem uncaring or nonchalant, but inside, you are waging a full battle against the spread of immense negativity and the fading dream of your beautiful relationship garden. Here, you wonder if everything is ruined and if there is anything left. You hope there is.
Kevin and Rebecca began the intentional journey back to one another, or rather they began the journey back to themselves. The couple learned in the process of doing work to repair their marriage that they each had unmet emotional needs, things they longed for in their marriage. In fact, having a glimpse and perhaps even moments of met emotional needs early on in their relationship likely bonded the pair together.
For Rebecca, it was Kevin’s random gestures on any given day that showed her she was important to him. For instance, Kevin knew Rebecca’s love of the ocean. As a child, she often got to spend time at the ocean when visiting with her grandparents in Florida during the summers. These were some of her best childhood memories. Her grandparents were a constant in providing love and nurturance. The few weeks she would spend with them during the summer were like fuel that powered her through the emotional drain of managing the instability of her normal family life. To Rebecca, her grandparents’ unfailing ability to pick up on the little things that were interesting to her made her feel special and seen. One time while at the beach with her grandparents, as Rebecca asked about fish that live in the sea, they explained that starfish had a special ability to repair and regrow missing parts of their extremities when injured. This fascinated Rebecca and only intensified her love for the ocean, its inhabitants, and all the stories behind each as told by her grandparents. One day while they had still been dating, Kevin purchased and surprised Rebecca with a bracelet that had a starfish charm attached. There was no reason, no special occasion, and it was completely unprompted, which made the gift feel even more special. That he remembered her childhood stories of summers with her grandparents made her feel seen and connected. She remembered that feeling. To her, that showed that Kevin was sensitive to her interests, which made her feel loved. For Rebecca, this gift did more in the early years of their relationship than any shortcomings in their relationship. She could always refer back to that moment, memory, and feeling whenever she experienced any disappointments within their relationship. Well, at least she did for a while.
Kevin also had a story of a moment when he had felt his emotional needs had also been met early on in their relationship. Kevin and Rebecca didn’t always communicate with one another in their marriage; however, Kevin always admired how well Rebecca seemed to understand him. Many times, he had shared things with her that he had never shared with anyone else. This was really important to Kevin, as he often felt as though he had to shoulder the burden of others when in need. This came from his own childhood. While he had grown up in a two-parent household, Kevin had always seen his father as aloof and uninvolved. He did provide for the family; however, he was never someone Kevin could talk to because of his father’s lifelong battle with alcoholism. Instead, Kevin became the proxy man of the house and helped his mother care for the household and his siblings the best way he knew how. He eventually came to understand that his father’s addiction and history of childhood trauma had deeply affected his father’s parenting. However, he learned early on that the weight of loneliness and disconnection from the strain of this early relationship was too great of a burden to carry himself, so Kevin found himself always searching for a partner with whom he felt he could connect through discussions and dialogue. He loved having the ability to converse with a significant other when in a relationship. He was not interested in superficial dialogue; Kevin always wanted to go deeper. In the deep, Kevin looked for presence. He knew if another individual could meet him here, then he was sure to have a meaningful connection. He knew that with a partner by his side in the deep, he would never be alone again. He had seen that in Rebecca. He told himself that with her, he would finally have someone for him. He knew that if he ever needed someone, she would undoubtedly be by his side.
Near the end of their first session, I was reminded of Rebecca’s story about the summers with her grandparents. The idea of regeneration continued to echo in the stories she and Kevin both shared. As they each recounted the issues leading up to the injury in their marriage and now the eventual hope for repair, I thought about how some starfish are able to recover after having experienced trauma and damage to their bodies. The process is not a quick one. In fact, it is believed that sea stars can take up to a year or so to regrow their missing limb. Some are even able to regrow their whole body, as long as a central portion is present. Now Rebecca and Kevin were lying in wait for a similar hope within their marriage as they pursued the process of healing what was central to them both.
As they processed the affair and rehashed their respective emotions attached to the raw wounds, each approached the session with an expressed hope for not only healing but also a new relationship. Rebecca expressed a desire to rebuild trust and strengthen the now much more fragile bond in their marriage. She hoped that her husband would eventually forgive her transgression, as the sinking guilt was almost more than she could bear to stay above as if she was holding just enough air to keep every emotion below her heart. Kevin, on the other hand, not only hoped that he could have trust again in the marriage but also missed having a partner who understood him and yet wondered if he understood or knew Rebecca at all. All that he had known he now questioned. Though he was willing to try and work on the marriage, he secretly wondered if there was anything left to rebuild. If so, it would require a process, one that was steeped in a vision of a healthier marriage and a hope that old things can be made anew, wounds can be healed, and that sometimes broken is just unbroken that is still in development. With time, patience, growth, and appropriate care, what was missing in the marriage, what was taken from the marriage, what was ripped from the marriage, and what may have never been in the marriage, may also possibly be made whole.
Of course, it must be said for this couple that there were and are no guarantees. There are a number of variables that can impact the outcome. Just as the story of sea stars highlights the process of mending, so too will the couple reeling from the effects of an affair on the marriage require a period of intentional time for growth and repair. Again, when the starfish loses a limb, a new one can develop through the process of regeneration. Over time the limb grows to a similar, if not exactly the same size. During the period of growth, the starfish begins to adapt. In time, the process of regeneration completes itself.
We too have restorative capabilities. There exists a process for our deepest emotional traumas, places where trust has been breached and hurt rules. The process of recovery will take some time. The adjustment may be difficult at first. When the mending is complete, however, what remains are the lessons of yesterday and the promise of something completely different, yet new.
Some broken promises can be mended.
Your marriage can be healed. However, it will not be an easy process. It will require two people who are dedicated to prioritizing the process of reconnecting the untethered fabric within your relationship.
Imagine the process of shaping and formatting a garment that has been pulled apart. The material may be weathered and thinned, making it more difficult to re-pattern its original format. Perhaps the garment was caught on an object or some other piece of material that caused it to rip and tear. Or maybe the fabric was exposed to a substance that caused a stain that seems irreparable. Similarly, a relationship that has experienced a rip in the fundamental thread of the marriage may often present in a comparative state of disrepair.
The tedious work of attaching and uniting what was once seemingly irrevocably bonded has now also given way to what may at times feel like an overwhelming account of all the damaged and separated parts. In this process, both partners can begin to stitch back the unearthed ruptures in their relationship. They become fine tailors crafting a relationship tapestry made up of different memories, experiences, joys, and challenges. These parts represent a new marriage emerging from the pain of injury.
Respecting the various experiences from the past, this new tapestry encapsulates the journey from past to present and looks toward the future. The process was not simple, but it was not impossible; with the right tools, almost anything can be created in the hands of a skillful holder.
Your relationship will take daily work. Think back to our analogy of the employee earlier in this chapter. If you recall, we discussed how work in the marriage can be seen as analogous to work on the job. The only difference here is that you are employed by the marriage. Daily you will want to arrive with the disposition of having prepared for the skill-demanding tasks and duties that you accepted in this role of your relationship. Your position will require expertise and continual training in order to remain competent and stay current with the growth trends in your marriage. There will be specific goals, and they will need to be evaluated in order to track the state of your relationship. You may even consider hiring an outside source to provide counsel and consultation on this specific project you and your spouse are working on: your affair recovery. This work is not for the faint of heart. You may want to quit your job—the marriage—at times.
Like Rebecca and Kevin, you will wonder if there is anything left for you in your role within the marriage. You may have moments of deep despair, shame, and loneliness as well as high moments of hope and excitement. This roller coaster of emotions can cause you to constantly question your ability to do the work as you endeavor within the marriage.
Like your job, when the performance goals and strategies for your role have not benefited the project or organization, you find yourself wondering if you have what it takes to fulfill the requirements. Conversely, when the feedback and proof of implementation in your daily tasks begin to yield the desired outcome to the project or work in the organization, you find yourself feeling more securely positioned for the tasks ahead.
This approach to your marriage will also allow you to confidently establish a course for recovery and healing in your marriage. Understanding the rigorous nature of relationship reconciliation and affair recovery is key to approaching the journey with all the necessary tools to successfully meet the demands of your marriage goals.
The work will be daily. It will require consistency. It will require education and periodic evaluation. It will feel repetitive and monotonous at times. Yet there will be unexpected moments as well. In all of this, it will require patience and dedication in order to pursue all of the other tenets necessary to repairing the relationship.
By now, you may be wondering whether the work required to restore the relationship to health and connectedness is even worth it. Maybe the question being asked is much more personal. Perhaps you wonder whether or not you still have desire for your partner and if your partner still has desire for you. This is a fundamental question that every spouse must answer. Only you will know the answer. You may even need to take time to process your own personal individual goals and reflect on them in light of the broader life plan you currently have in place for yourself. This is no different than any other role we accept in life—we frequently find ourselves making selections in life from a fundamental core belief. What are yours? Where do they fit in this space of reflection within your marriage?
Once you center on the answers and you know the orientation from which every direction follows with assurance, then you can embark upon the journey to reconcile your relationship bond. It is this assurance that provides the wellspring of sheer hope, steadily moving you and your partner toward the vision and goal of a healthy and healed marriage.
